History is a bubbling
stew of unpleasantness. It spared no aspect of everyday life, no matter how
mundane. Whisper a silent thank you to modernity the next time you find
yourself, say . . .
10Pooping
We’ve all walked into
a neglected gas station bathroom and found ourselves estimating how much longer
we could hold it without doing permanent damage, but that fluorescent horror
show’s got nothing on the latrines of old. The toilets of ancient Rome were a
true test of one’s fecal fortitude, consisting of a stone bench with a rough
hole leading to the city’s primitive sewer system. This direct connection meant
all manner of vile critters could sink their teeth into the exposed buttocks of
an unfortunate bathroom visitor. Worse yet, the methane buildup meant that it
was not uncommon for toilets to spontaneously erupt into flame.
To quell this
embarrassing epidemic, Romans would scribble images of Fortuna, the goddess of
luck, and incantations meant to ward off evil spirits on bathroom walls.
Believing laughter also repelled these demons, caricatures of religious figures
were used as well, beginning the noble tradition of inappropriate bathroom
stall graffiti.
9Looking For Work
In England in the
1500s, it was illegal to be jobless. The government treated you as a
second-class citizen, and punishments for crimes were much harsher. And if an
unemployed citizen sought to better himself with gainful employment? He’d
better not travel to do so, or he faced being labeled a vagrant, tied down, whipped, and sent back home a bloody and broken mess.
Repeat offenders were
even branded with a “V” and forced into slavery, if not outright executed. Sure
makes filling out those job applications a less daunting prospect.
8Dealing With Bad Skin
Minor skin conditions
like acne or psoriasis can certainly feel like a nightmare, but thanks to the
hundreds of creams and pills out there, it’s a manageable one. Not so for our
medieval ancestors, for whom a particularly large pimple may have meant the end
of life as they knew it.
Due to rampant
paranoia over leprosy, many with less severe skin ailments like psoriasis were
often accused of carrying the dreaded illness. They received the same
alienating treatment as real leprosy sufferers: They were made to wear special
clothing, carry a bell to alert the healthy to their presence, and not talk to
anyone above a whisper. Most horrifically, 14th-century France even saw many
psoriasis patients mistakenly burned at the stake.
7Going To The Theater
Unfortunate shooting
incidents aside, a trip to the movie theater today is typically considered a
good thing, a treat. But rewind a couple hundred years and you were almost
guaranteed to die.
Playhouses and music
halls of the 1800s were notorious for being poorly constructed, overcrowded,
and really flammable. So, when fires weren’t breaking out and killing people,
stampedes caused by false fire alarms were. England was a hotbed of theater
tragedy; over 80 people, many children and teenagers, died in music hall
disasters in just two decades.
But don’t worry, the
US wasn’t left out. The worst theater tragedy in history took place at Chicago’s
Iroquois Theatre in 1903, a fiery disaster that claimed the lives of over 600 people. Shortly afterward, regulations were put in
place to prevent future accidents.
6Fighting
Okay, so maybe
fighting isn’t an everyday activity exactly, but a minor scuffle is something
most people will find themselves involved in at some point. But during the
Middle Ages, any minor altercation could quickly escalate to a full-on death
match.
The Oxford University
of the 14th century was a lot less refined than its modern counterpart. For
instance, in February 1355, a group of drunken students in a local tavern insulted the quality of the establishment’s wine. The
annoyed innkeeper told them—in so many medieval words—where they could place
their complaints. This resulted in a thrown pot and, bizarrely, the town
militia being summoned to arms. Not to be outdone, the University called its
own people to the fight. An epic battle broke out in and around the college as
enraged villagers stormed the grounds. By the end of what came to be known as
the St. Scholastica’s Day Riot, 62 students had been killed.
5Voting
Today, the worst you
can expect to encounter while casting your vote are annoyingly long lines and
the slow realization that your vote makes almost no difference. In the 19th
century, however, only the most die-hard fans of democracy dared brave the streets
on Election Day. Everyone else barricaded themselves indoors to avoid being “cooped.”
“Cooping” was a
practice which involved street gangs in the employ of political parties
kidnapping people off the street and forcing them to vote for their candidate.
The victims would be confined to a dark basement or backroom, threatened with
violence, and force fed alcohol for a few days to make them more compliant
before being herded to the polls on the big day. After voting, the captives
would be made to change clothes and vote several more times before finally
being released.
4Dealing With Police
Though an admittedly
nerve-racking experience, a brush with the law today is nothing compared to a
couple centuries ago. Londoners of the 18th century had real reason to worry
when a cop crossed their path—because a great many of them weren’t actually
cops.
Impostors of all sorts
were rampant in the London of old, and many chose to exploit the populace’s
trust in authority for all manner of nefarious purposes. Some simply used their fake badge to extort a bit of easy money from their mark,
but the real scumbags took it further. Targeting young women at night, the
false officers would question her “suspicious activity,” and imply that certain
“favors” could make the whole thing go away. This led to citizens actively avoiding
the real police, which only made them easier prey for criminals.
3Buying Spices
All right, so you
probably don’t use many spices; no one does. But let’s say you decide to whip
up a nice meal and desperately need some nutmeg. Fifteen minutes and one trip
to the store later, and you’re all set. This is because you don’t live in the
Middle Ages, when spices were treated as drugs or currency and routinely killed
for.
That nutmeg, for
instance, was once only found on the remote Banda Islands, appropriately
nicknamed the “Spice Islands.” Over the course of a few centuries the Spice Wars ravaged the native population as various
European powers sought control over this motherlode. Over 6,000 people lost
their lives for the powder gathering dust in your kitchen cabinet.
Due to this rarity,
European nobles were fond of acquiring as much spice as possible as a status
symbol. Forget gold and rubies—you knew you had reached the top if you could
sprinkle some pepper on your breakfast.
2Going To The Hospital
American hospitals of
the 1800s were almost certainly worse than whatever landed patients there in
the first place. Left in filthy rooms and often riddled with parasites, these
poor souls were poorly fed and regularly forgotten about.
Neglect and incompetence
were serious issues among medical staff, primarily because most nurses of the
era weren’t nurses at all. Receiving no training of any kind, these people were
often ex-patients who had nowhere else to go after their release. Hospitals
would even run help-wanted ads in newspapers requesting nursing staff, “experience not required.” This insane practice led to several
tragic incidents, such as one drunk nurse killing two patients by overdose.
Understandably, many chose to take their chances with polio.
1Taking A Stroll Around Town
Yes, apparently our
battered forebears couldn’t even take a leisurely stroll to escape the pit of
unending madness that was daily life. Because at some point, when they least
expected it, they were probably going to run face first into a hairy naked guy.
Public nudity was all
the rage during the 17th and 18th centuries. Somewhat ironically, most
followers of this liberal new trend were the religious. Groups like the Ranters
and the Quakers argued that, since God is in all things, nothing they do could
be considered evil or inappropriate. They reveled in sex and drugs and walked
naked through the streets.
Streaking was also a
favorite pastime of rebellious London citizens of the 1600s. This went hand in
hand with an emerging new attitude valuing freedom over rigid self-control.
They were hippies before hippies were a thing, ensuiring that no eye would be
spared the horrors of their unshaven medieval genitals.
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