4. Relationship Problem: Conflict
Occasional conflict is a part of life, according to New York-based psychologist Susan Silverman. But if you and your partner feel like you're starring in your own nightmare version of the movie Groundhog Day --i.e. the same lousy situations keep repeating day after day -- it's time to break free of this toxic routine. When you make the effort, you can lessen the anger and take a calm look at underlying issues.
Problem-solving strategies:
You and your partner can learn to argue in a more civil, helpful manner, Silverman says. Make these strategies part of who you are inthis relationship.
*.Realize you are not a victim. It is your choice whether you react and how you react.
*.Be honest with yourself. When you're in the midst of an argument, are your comments geared toward resolving the conflict, or are you looking for payback? If your comments are blaming and hurtful, it's best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.
*.Change it up. If you continue to respond in the way that's brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, you can't expect a different result this time. Just one little shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments. You'll be surprised athow such a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.
*.Give a little; get a lot. Apologize when you're wrong. Sure it's tough, but just try it and watch something wonderful happen."You can't control anyone else's behavior," Silverman says. "The only one in your charge is you."
3. Relationship Problem: Disregarding your Relationship
If you want to keep your love life going, making your relationship a focal point should not end when you say "I do." "Relationshipslose their luster. So make yours a priority," says Karen Sherman, author ofMarriage Magic! Find It, Keep It,and Make It Last.
Problem-solving strategies:
*.Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Show appreciation, compliment each other, contact each other through the day, and show interest in each other.
*.Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any other important event in your life.
*.Respect one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate..." It lets your partner know that they matter.
2. This one is a one simple sentence, Don't cheat, love yourselves and let your heart be focused on him or her alone
1. Relationship Problem: Trust
Trust is a key part of a relationship. Do you see certain things
that cause you not to trust your partner? Or do you have
unresolved issues that prevent you from trusting others?
Problem-solving strategies:
You and your partner can develop trust in each other by
following these tips, Fay says.
Be consistent.
Be on time.
Do what you say you will do.
Don't lie -- not even little white lies to your partner or to others.
Be fair, even in an argument.
Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but
don't discount how your partner is feeling.
Call when you say you will.
Call to say you'll be home late.
Carry your fair share of the workload.
Don't overreact when things go wrong.
Never say things you can't take back.
Don't dig up old wounds.
Respect your partner's boundaries.
Don’t be jealous.
Be a good listener.
Even though there are always going to be problems in a
relationship, Sherman says you both can do things to minimize
marriage problems, if not avoid them altogether.
First, be realistic. Thinking your mate will meet all your needs
-- and will be able to figure them out without your asking -- is a
Hollywood fantasy. "Ask for what you need directly," she says.
Next, use humor -- learn to let things go and enjoy one another
more.
Finally, be willing to work on your relationship and to truly look
at what needs to be done. Don't think that things would be
better with someone else. Unless you address problems, the
same lack of skills that get in the way now will still be there and
still cause problems no matter what relationship you're in.
Occasional conflict is a part of life, according to New York-based psychologist Susan Silverman. But if you and your partner feel like you're starring in your own nightmare version of the movie Groundhog Day --i.e. the same lousy situations keep repeating day after day -- it's time to break free of this toxic routine. When you make the effort, you can lessen the anger and take a calm look at underlying issues.
Problem-solving strategies:
You and your partner can learn to argue in a more civil, helpful manner, Silverman says. Make these strategies part of who you are inthis relationship.
*.Realize you are not a victim. It is your choice whether you react and how you react.
*.Be honest with yourself. When you're in the midst of an argument, are your comments geared toward resolving the conflict, or are you looking for payback? If your comments are blaming and hurtful, it's best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.
*.Change it up. If you continue to respond in the way that's brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, you can't expect a different result this time. Just one little shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments. You'll be surprised athow such a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.
*.Give a little; get a lot. Apologize when you're wrong. Sure it's tough, but just try it and watch something wonderful happen."You can't control anyone else's behavior," Silverman says. "The only one in your charge is you."
3. Relationship Problem: Disregarding your Relationship
If you want to keep your love life going, making your relationship a focal point should not end when you say "I do." "Relationshipslose their luster. So make yours a priority," says Karen Sherman, author ofMarriage Magic! Find It, Keep It,and Make It Last.
Problem-solving strategies:
*.Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Show appreciation, compliment each other, contact each other through the day, and show interest in each other.
*.Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any other important event in your life.
*.Respect one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate..." It lets your partner know that they matter.
2. This one is a one simple sentence, Don't cheat, love yourselves and let your heart be focused on him or her alone
1. Relationship Problem: Trust
Trust is a key part of a relationship. Do you see certain things
that cause you not to trust your partner? Or do you have
unresolved issues that prevent you from trusting others?
Problem-solving strategies:
You and your partner can develop trust in each other by
following these tips, Fay says.
Be consistent.
Be on time.
Do what you say you will do.
Don't lie -- not even little white lies to your partner or to others.
Be fair, even in an argument.
Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but
don't discount how your partner is feeling.
Call when you say you will.
Call to say you'll be home late.
Carry your fair share of the workload.
Don't overreact when things go wrong.
Never say things you can't take back.
Don't dig up old wounds.
Respect your partner's boundaries.
Don’t be jealous.
Be a good listener.
Even though there are always going to be problems in a
relationship, Sherman says you both can do things to minimize
marriage problems, if not avoid them altogether.
First, be realistic. Thinking your mate will meet all your needs
-- and will be able to figure them out without your asking -- is a
Hollywood fantasy. "Ask for what you need directly," she says.
Next, use humor -- learn to let things go and enjoy one another
more.
Finally, be willing to work on your relationship and to truly look
at what needs to be done. Don't think that things would be
better with someone else. Unless you address problems, the
same lack of skills that get in the way now will still be there and
still cause problems no matter what relationship you're in.
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